Public Radio Slave

$420 a night plus a meat!

An email:

Dear Friend, my naming is Ndugood. I am wealthy Nigerian prince who love the jazz of music. I seeking am your help to move $200,000,000 from my of accounts hear in Nigeria to the North of America.

I too love the jazz of music and I planing to flea to your home county to open many jazz clubbings at which I wood like you of performs. You receive $420 a night, plus a meat. My new "Tribal Village Vangoord" clubs will be of greatest success and you become much richings. I have all city exemptings allow for spearings of live food.

But I desperate be needing of  your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, piece of jazz-loving peoples, has been horribly impressed by the ruling military junka, which despirses the jazz of music. My father, are exiled king, was recently impreseasoned. And so must I flee my beloveing county with all of my improbable wealthings.

But I need helpings of moving it. All money of I have will not fit in of allotted jet bags. I am there for want to transfer my wealthings to you through ATM of your system. (Nigerian ATM can not exchanging of international currencing). So to please of you to me your of full name and of addressing, social security numbering, bank account and PIN numbers of yours. And you will becoming of very rich from when playing many of jazz gigs at "Tribal Village Vangoord" clubs.

Response:

Dear Ndugood, I am so excited to learn that Nigerian internet scams are really just about bringing jazz to the world. If the Swindlisi are a jazz-loving people does that mean that there are other tribes who may be death metal-loving people? I cannot wait until the opening of your club! I will rent a limo and bring all my friends, and everyone will be so impressed when I perform the jazz. 

After my performance I will expect my meat.  I am glad the city has agreed to let you spear live food. What type of meat were you hoping to impale? Rat? Dog? A nice juicy toddler? You are in quite a pickle with your overflow of money and your small jet bags. How devastating to not be able to fit all of your money into your luggage.  How about I come to you? Please forward your contact information and I will make sure I bring a suitcase that can handle all your stupid money. Let Jazz Live!

Get Rich Or Die Tryin

An email from a listener:

For a little while now, between local informational and station identification pieces, I've heard segments of interlude music that I find somewhat offensive.  The music in question is a remixed instrumental version of 50 Cent's rap "Get Rich or Die Tryin," better known as "P-I-M-P."

Some of the lines that bother me specifically include: I don’t know what u heard about me,
But a bitch can’t get a dollar out of me, No Cadillac, no perms u can’t see, That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P, A hour later had her ass up in the Ramada, I’m your friend, your father, your confidant, BITCH, Man this ho, you could have her when I’m done I ain't gonna keep her.

Thanks for looking into this.

My response: I'm glad you're listening, you mofo PIMP. I thought it was pretty rad that NPR would use a 50 Cent song as a music bed. I am confused about the lyrics, since you admitted that what you heard was instrumental, do you really think the old lady hoes listening know those lyrics? I think not. I think you know the lyrics because you listen to 50 Cent in the shower. How about this, would you like to meet at the Ramada for an hour? I'm up for it. I am also up for bringing the perm back. Let's hang out at the Ramada downtown and give each other perms and I'll help you get past these pesky lyrics you didn't hear.

The Slave Yo.

If You Get Married You May Get Eaten By A Bear

An email:

Hi, You heard this morning that a man was undone by a bear. You recently saw it on the news. A man who worked with a bear was killed by the bear. You will also recall that two years ago a man who lived with wild bears was eaten by bears.  Not long after that a man who loved sharks and other dangerous denizens of the deep came to a sudden and much publicized end when one of them turned on him. You and I know that there are wild and uncontrollable creatures on this planet that may be toyed with for a while, but that at any time they are likely to turn on you. And yet, every day you and I have one more friend who plans to get married. You are invited to stop by for supper anytime. Steve

Response: Thank you for the dinner invitation Steve. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend. I work with bears and other denizens of the deep and because of your email I now suffer from agoraphobia and can't leave my house. I do not wish for my coworkers to eat me or undo me. I do wish to marry you though.  I can make all the arrangements and we can do it on your lunch break if that is convenient. Hope to speak with you soon...

Word Minutia

Files this under "People With Too Many Minutes In Their Day". As in someone who knows that they have exactly 610 minutes left in their day just to annoy others. A caller:

"I was just listening to an interview on NPR and when they were done the interviewer thanked the guest for being there and the guest said "I'm happy to have been here." Now since they were still there shouldn't they have said "I am happy to be here" and why would you air something that wasn't exactly correct?"

Me: (Silence while I try to wrap my dum dum brain around this question)....(more silence while I think about telling the caller that my breakfast eggs just told my stomach "I'm happy to have been here")....I don't know, I think you could probably say both. 

Caller: Well aren't you the college people over there? Shouldn't you know?

Me: The college people are actually all over here right now, we are having a keg party in one of the production rooms. None of us know how to spell though, or construct sentences. Thanks for calling, you've still got 608 minutes left today.   

Have You Did What I Told YOU Mr. MATT?

Everyone is used to the Nigerian money transfer email scams, but this latest one gave me a good chuckle ha ha.

Hello,

Have you did what i told you to do ?.
You should stop wasting time, just do it right away.
Ask him to send you the total sum of $1.6 million u s dollars in a bank draft, which I kept for your compensation.  reach him with this email ...(enininnam2@yahoo.fr) his name is  mr  ENINI. like i said before God has done it, i have finnal got that fund. Give him all the informations he may need, like your full names, country were you want him to send the money to,your direct phone numbers and any other informations he might need o.k

Yours Faithfully
Mr MATT.

What Can I Get For Ten Dollars? Anything you want...

A voicemail:

"Yeah, hee hee ho ho (strange Santa laugh) I heard something about eight months to ten months ago about  a Supreme Court Justice coming to Wienerville (not its real name, but a town over two hours away) sometime this year.  Hee hee ho ho.  I figured I would call up to see what kind of hotel discounts you might have for me. Also if you know places I can eat for free. I guess you are not there now. Hee hee. I'll call back real soon."

My response:

Hey Mr. Claus if you will let me ride in your trunk I will make you grilled cheeses on the radiator for the duration of our Supreme Court Justice palooza. I also have a 2-for1 coupon for Motel 6, but then I guess we wouldn't get to share a room? I guess you are not there right now. I'll call you back real soon.

A Special Thought For the Work Week...

"That last singer you had on your radio station sounded like a swollen heffer in a hail storm."


We try. We really do.

Stinky and My Other Cousin Stinky

An Email:

Do you have bad breath?  Do any of your co-workers have bad breath?  Do your LISTENERS have bad breath?  It’s a topic no one really wants to bring up! Until now.

Dr. Susanne Cohen is a bad breath expert and is willing and able to tell you and all your listeners about ALL the different fresh breath products out there.  Susanne has done a bunch of radio before and this really makes an interesting segment – a topic that people don’t talk about often – what DO you do when your friends/family/co-workers have awful breath?

Dr. Susanne Cohen is the PERFECT expert to have on your show to discuss bad breath – how to deal with it and how to get rid of it for good!  She can tell you what to use…and what to stay away from!  In addition to appearing alongside DONALD TRUMP this season on NBC’s “The Apprentice,” Dr. Cohen has appeared on “The View” and NBC’s “Today Show” as a BAD BREATH EXPERT!
______________________________

Yes, myself, my coworkers, and all of our listeners have horrible rot mouth. We have been patiently waiting for someone to offer us some help, just keeping quiet, afraid to open our mouths and speak.  If you could help us get back on the air without fungus halitosis I'm sure we could rustle you up a
t-shirt or a tote bag.

No Birthday Wishes For You

An email:

Hi,

Please send out a Happy Birthday to Beth Wombat (not her real name) for her 50th Birthday on Wednesday, July 4th. Please send this greeting out to Beth from her good friend, "Still Dick Stamm's lovely wife of 24 years." She'll know who that is.

If you are a Country station, please play a song for her. I don't know the name of the song, but the refrain lyrics state: "I know what I was feeling, but what was I thinking?" I don't know who sings it either. I just heard it recently on a Country station.

Please also play "I don't want to Miss a Thing" by Arrowsmith or the Country version is fine as well. Please dedicate that song from Dick to his lovely wife, Beth. I had to wait 20 years for an "our song," but this song was worth the wait.

Thanks so much.

Beth

My response:

Dear Beth,

I am confused. Are you wishing yourself a happy country/Aerosmith birthday? If so "She'll know who that is" is pretty accurate. It's you. Your husband or friend or whatever Dick is to you, has no plans of wishing you a "happy birthday" let alone a "you're crazy lady."

I don't know who sings that song either. I don't know the title. I don't know how to spell my name. I did see Aerosmith in concert back in the late 80's if that helps.

We are an NPR station. We don't do country. Sometimes NPR may use Aerosmith as a music bed. Sometimes I think about Steve Perry.

We do let our listeners sponsor a day, with a message at the top of the hour. It's about $250 a day. It ain't free. Last I heard air and water out of the hose are free. Happy Birthday.

The Slave

I Accept Your Marriage Proposal

There is noting quite as romantic as a spam wedding proposal. But hey, I'll take what I can get:

Hi,

I am sending you this marriage proposal,i am willing to get a Serious,Sincere and Caring woman to be my wife.My name is Uche Frank,and here I go. I'm a male in my early 20's,half african,Dark,6ft,looking good and cool and presently in Nigeria.I love the outside,movie,long walk,camping,soccer and i like pets too.I believe we can all learn from pets. I love to travel, have never done much,but someday hope to... Am a good listener,if someone needs to have a good talk....I am shy until I get to know a person.

I am looking foward to meet a cool woman and very Serious,caring and sincere woman to get married to.Age and race is not a problem as long as you will be ready to love,care and finally get married to me and we can start making arrangements on how to meet.

If I've managed to rouse your interest I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to read this and email if you are intrested we can xchange pic and then we can move ahead.

Much Luv
Uche


Dear Future Husband O' Mine Uche,

I also like to learn from pets and I also have not traveled much. I do not intend to.  I intend to stay home and make you happy. I am also looking good and cool, but I can't tell you if I am a man or a woman. Take it or leave it. Let's arrange to meet. Do you have a scooter?

The Slave